A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, [...]
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all [...]
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up [...]
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that. Bobby looked up and [...]
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him [...]
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle. While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man [...]
What do Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common? There both black people with white faces.
police officer pulled this guy over for speeding and told him that his eyes were bloodshot, and asked him if he’d been drinking. The guy said “Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?”
Your nose is so big the only date you could get was with an ant eater.
